mid-life reflection

Once again it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ll confess that I’ve been in a strange state of mind lately. As Ferris Bueller once said – “Life moves pretty fast, If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” It has seemed to me lately that I’ve been less observant than I should be, and I wonder what I’m missing.

Partly I think it’s been that TK is gone, and though we’ve adapted to that in the main, there is still a visceral longing that lurks in the back of my spirit somewhere whenever I see “TK’s” car, or wear one of the ties he left behind. It’s not really a tangible thing, but the feeling of loss lingers. I think we’re all hoping that it’ll be different once he actually leaves Provo, but a big part of me doesn’t want it to be different. In fact, one of the fears he and I share is that somehow through the process of changing and growing he’ll do over the next 22 months, that our relationship will change in a way neither of us wants. On the surface I know this is a baseless fear, but still, aren’t most of our fears rather baseless? Doesn’t make them any less real.

Today SK and CK both left their wallets at home, and SK also needed his knee brace for an alumni wrestling match this afternoon. I’m working in Orem today, so grabbed their forgotten items on my way out the door to work, and drove them down to Provo High at lunch time to drop them off. I swung across the street to Costa Vida to grab some lunch for La Reine and me, and while there saw three of TKs friends in line. I saw them before they saw me and I watched their easy banter and fun – and that darn longing swung back in full force – I missed my boy.

MT was one of the friends there and a young lady in line behind me asked him for a hug – which he readily gave, along with a kiss, whereupon MT looked up and saw me smiling. “Coach” he yelled, “good to see you – how is TK?” I replied that TK was fine, and then I asked MT for a hug… I’ve never done that before, but bless his heart, he came over and wrapped me up, then he looked at me, and said – “but I’m not giving you a kiss”.

I smiled, he smiled, and he moved back over to CC and TN. I looked at these fine young men, themselves preparing to leave to serve the Lord, and I was grateful for them, and for their friendship of TK and of all of our family through many years, but mostly, I was grateful for a hug from a 19 year old young man who could, for a brief moment, stand in the place of TK, and provide an easing of that longing for a few moments.

Enough of that I suppose, perhaps it helps to get it out on "paper"…

This weekend we’ll attend two more farewells for some of our other boys, those friends of TK, and of mine, and I’ll have the opportunity to once again affirm those reasons why we send our sons and daughters out into the world to serve the Lord.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not all melancholy or anything, life if good, most times even great! How could it not be with PHS winning state again this year?

I know, I know – but that’s why it’s called jake rambles, n’est-ce-pas?

- jake